enlightenment

wonder if I'm on the path to some form of enlightenment, I suddenly find myself mesmerized by nature.  I can sit and look at the birds outside the window for time without end.  I have hung some hummingbird feeders and they are now my new loves, they are so magical in their own way.  Makes me wonder what is up with me and am I just plain weird.  Not many of my friends would get the fact that I love to look at birds, because it's not in the way a seasoned "bird-watcher" would look at birds, I have no idea what kind of a bird it is, I just know I love looking at them and being in gratitude for all the beauty God created, even those tiny little feathered creatures.

Growing Children

I always heard from other moms that the problems grew as the children grew.  I never believed it, I always thought my children would stay the same forever.  They were always such great kids, and mind you they still are.  But, and there is usually a but, they were right!, as my children grow and experience new things, so do the problems grow.  I have an 18 year old wanting to be an Adult; a little too soon for me to swallow that one.  I'd like for it to occur slowly, sort of like a baby learning to crawl and then walk.  It's just too much too fast for me.  I'd like to ease into the idea of having another adult in the house and knowing she is capable of doing adult things.  She's still my sweet daughter and I will always adore her, I just hope she knows it's scary for a parent to just let go completely all of a sudden.
On the other hand is my youngest son, who is 12 and going through one of many changes in life, he is leaving behind his childhood for that of a young teen.  I try to understand him and give him his space, but one thing I won't put up with is any type of disrespect.  I demand respect from everyone, and I will definitely get it specially from my son.  If not, well he will have to figure out life on his own terms, I will let him travel his own path and just have trust that God is looking out for him.  I have come to the awareness that as parents we do our best, after a certain age they are the ones responsible for their lives and for their experiences.  I hope this little fella will be smart enough to know there is nothing like family, and in life the most important thing is family.  I will just hang in there for now, and once again not take anything personal.

I'm a spirit within a body

I have for some time now come to know a new way of life, one of happiness and forgiveness.  #1 is my belief in forgiveness being the key to living a happy life.  I just think it's plain and simple.. I chose to forgive the past, to let go and let happiness be my natural state.  I don't need to be in stress, in anger, in fear.  none of those things are welcome in my heart and in my home.  I am okay with not being seen as "normal"... since when did Anger and Unhappiness become our "normal" ????  why must people feel you are weird if you refuse to live like them? full of resentments, jealousy and all those negative feelings that just bring on illness and unhappiness.  I am clear on what I believe in, and I thank God for all I have learned and all I will learn.

 Been to the beach a few times this summer :)

 I love looking out onto the Ocean

 I've done some sight seeing in my city

 a Surprise Sunflower in my backyard

 went to the SDSU orientation with my daughter

 found a Fro-Yo place close to SDSU

 came across a beach area I had never seen before

Ocean Beach Pier on a gloomy day

This summer has been full of new experiences, my daughter got her first job ever.  That was exciting for her and eye opening as to the reality of becoming an "adult".  Drove her to and from work each day, and took advantage of being out by the beach area.. did lots of sight seeing and driving through new areas I had never been to.  Bonded a little more with my two sons, even though they can never replace the closeness to my daughter, aka my confidant.  Love the three precious persons I'm blessed to call my kids, I'm very fortunate and very grateful .

Teenagers!!

Iv'e had the fortune of having one difficult teen out of three kids.  He is the last one on the list, so I guess I should be happy that the other two are well past their teenage years.  Although, I find it hard to deal with my youngest, a part of me thinks it's not as bad as it could be.  I've been so lucky to have had it easy with the other two, I guess I thought it would be the same with the youngest, so undoubtedly he might be compared to the other two.  I have to stay tough, might it be my age? I went through the tough years with the first two when I was in my late thirties early forties.  Wonder if age is what's making it it such a hard experience.  I'm older, and without a doubt more tired.  My energy isn't half of what it used to be.  So with that I accept that my patience is also not what it used to be.  What's there to do? my thoughts: just hang in there and be understanding yet tough.. action and consequence is always the way to go with children.  Don't want to listen?? okay, goodbye X-box for the day :)

set your mind to being Happy

Life can be so beautiful when you set your mind to it.  I do love being happy, I have to admit I'm a lazy person ~ and yes I'm even lazy to be Mad, Sad, or Angry.  I rather spend my energy in being in a state of happiness.  I've come to experience the magic of being happy and seeing how your happiness spreads towards others, all of a sudden you find the people around you being happy too.  Just as a sad person would give off the vibe of sadness to all around them.
I stick to this truth and I hope to always live by it, be happy and the world around you is a happy one  :)

Confused

Lately I've been experiencing an array of thoughts and an extreme sense of confusion.  Nothing to worry about, I still live a happy life day by day.  Not even confusion could change that.  I'm just at a crossroad in life, do I get a job? do I really stop being a full time mom now?, those are the questions, and in my heart there is no right answer.  We definitely need the extra money, needless to go into the same old worn out story of how expensive children are, let's just say we are using more and more of our money and there isn't enough coming in to keep living the same way.  For now all I can do is sit still as I am, and keep being a full time mom to my kids.  Being home at all times, keeping a mindful eye on them.  One is entering college and maybe that is what gives me a sigh of relief, but then again I still have two that need me just as much as my college one did at their age.  Okay, the answer might just be, to wait the summer out.  Then, once the boys are back in school.. look for a part time job to do while they are at school.  Another thing that's been lurking around in my head, is that of going back to school.  I really want to go into the medical field in some way.  Were I a bit younger, I would start a nursing program.  But, I'm feeling out of time.  Never the less... Happy with my life as is :)

Love of my life......

Trying to swallow a big bite of cupcake...

the power of something greater than you

I can't say I have experienced some divine miracle, I haven't had the need for a miracle; and for that I'm thankful to God.  That my life has been great so far, and I believe it will continue to be.  Why God has been so good to me, I do not know.  One part is God in my heart and in my life, the other part is making a choice in my heart to be happy.  I've read so many motivational books in my lifetime, too many to list.  And all great books, I couldn't say which has been the best or which has made the greatest difference in my life.  All I know is they have taught me a lot, on life and on being happy.  I know it all happens through God's grace, and the plan he has had for me all along.  I thank him daily for such a great life, and for the love he has placed in my life.  My husband, who is the greatest man ever.  A love so true, I could not have found in any other person.  Someone who loves and cares for me, like he would for himself.  Thank you God for this man.  and for all the good in my life  :)

First piece to be published online

I'm so incredibly excited about my piece being published!! I have been writing here and there, when I find time to sit and focus on typing up thoughts and lessons learned.  I've tried so many times before and I never had anyone say "I really liked what I read, I'm going to publish it".  Till now, and might I say that it's all in God's time.  The surprise came to me when I most needed it.  I was having a somewhat hard day, and then it came! that beautiful email, letting me know my piece will be published.  I'm very happy and I can't wait to see it actually on the website I turned it in to.  I'm happy as can be!!

Frustration

there are times when I just need to let it out.. a Vent session to be more specific.  I just find life so difficult sometimes.  I have stayed home with my children for the past 17 years, because to me personally it has been the most important thing in my life.  My decision to be a stay at home mom came as easy as breathing in and out.  I never gave it much thought, I knew I wanted to be the only one raising my children.  I knew exactly what I didn't want.  I didn't want kids with other people's values and morals.  If I had children it would be to raise them myself.  Okay and now flash forward to the here and now.  My children are grown, they are extraordinary human beings.  I love them dearly, they love me back.  They have the amazing quality of being good to myself and their father, they do as they are told, they are Free to be themselves.  Now the problem! my eldest daughter is about to graduate high school, and looking into Universities... and as it most commonly is with single income families, we make, well my husband does, but bless his precious heart ~ he has always been the sweetest person ever, he has never made me feel like it's his money.  He has always called it "our" money.  So anyways, he makes a good amount of money, yet we are strapped financially just because of the high cost of living.  So given that information... my problem, our problem is that education is crazy expensive and we can't afford to pay for our children s higher learning.   It's so darn frustrating, to have given so much of myself to my children, have outstanding students.. they are all ... Yes.. all three of my children are straight A students.  And we don't have the money to send them to college.  Oh boy!! I guess you can't have it all in life.  WEll, my kids will have to take out loans and finance their education, because even with all this grief.. I wouldn't trade my being home with them for anything in the world.  I'm proud of my children and I feel responsible for the amazing persons they have become.  Raising them was easy because it was done with LOVE.

2011

In 2011 I intend to  attract more peace into my life.  Having come to such a beautiful stage in my life where I worry less and love more.  What a blessing to get to this place of peace.  Why did I end up here? I don't know, maybe I've come back to what I was meant to be all along.  A child of God, filled with his love and compassion.  I just intend to "BE", to stay still in the midst of whatever is going on in life.. just BE and let God be.  I trust completely in life and all it's goodness.  I'm not leaving this space of peace..